Update

I feel as though I haven't posted in a while.
August. It is now, October?
Yeah. Sounds about right.

Lately I have been, tired out of my mind. Band. Band, band, band. When you're in it you really have no life until November. That is all I have been doing, and when I'm not, I am sleeping because I am so tired from all the band stuff. So my solution? Applying to jobs to make my self even more busy and have no time for anything.

I wish I had a car, I wish I had my license, I wish I didn't have school. I wish that I could grow up already, run off and have an unrealistic life where everything magically works out for me. Instead I know I am destined to be subjected to a life of medicines to keep me sane, children who don't give a shit about me, a job I wish I didn't have and not enough money.

Today I am going to go shopping for shoes. Because I am not allowed to wear flipflops. I keep injuring my feet. I got my big toenail ripped off, My pinky toe sliced open, and blisters upon blisters. I need some flats, moccasins would be nice. Because I hate playing music with shoes on. It's weird really. I always have to slip off my shoes when I play.

Jazz allstate is coming up. Auditions. That really makes my stomach want to flip and my mind dissapear. I am not ready in the least bit. I am the only one who can't improv for shit. The other bari player is amazing, the trumpet player is amazing, the trombone player is good. And me? I'm a joke. And there is some sick part of me who still wants to do well. Because I am full of so much potential, something like that. And instead of practicing I just, sit and do nothing, trying to handle other things. Try and make time for Ryan, try and actually study, try and do something productive.